I knew I was destined for more than I ever even thought possible. I knew in my experiences with falling into the same patterns or ego loop over and over again was putting me in toxic scenarios over and over again. I knew I was worthy of more than what I was accomplishing within my inner work, I knew there was more to my story, more to my power then this surface layer of intuitive. I knew I had these abilities but what was I to do with them?
I started putting my own pieces together through copious amounts of self reflection. I was not liking the person who was looking back at me in the mirror. She was like a stranger to me. I was used to the old way, refusing to sit with my emotions, bottling everything in until I explode, lacking in my communication skills or ability to even process my own all over the place emotions. I was no longer that person. I was no longer replaying that ego loop over and over, I was free but I still could not like that person I was looking at in the mirror. She was new, different, had a purpose, and ready to make changes in herself and her ability to trust her intuition but Who was she?
When you go through the process of deep healing you are shedding layers of yourself that you never knew had such control of your life. I was the type of person who held everything in. I was strong for my family so I took on everyone's energy as an empath without releasing that energy. I had no sense of boundaries so the wrong people always got in and I was then storing that energy in my body system as well. Nothing ever felt right, nothing ever felt free. I was always left with this stuck feeling, like the weight of the world was resting on my chest and I could not move from this lying down position. This lead to me physically exhausted most of my adult life, struggling to get out of bed. I store energy related to shame in my metabolism so I started getting heavy around high school. This was my life, for well....... all of my life.
I was continuing those generational curses of overwhelm and depression over and over and over again. I knew I needed a big change and I was finally ready for it. When the shift into consciousness hit me I was overloaded with joy and happiness like I had finally found me, I had finally lit that spark in me. I felt amazing! It felt so great to shed those layers that were no longer serving me. It truly did. But I missed them. As they were falling off of me I was watching me whole entire life shed off of me like peeling an onion and I was left looking at those old pieces of me and I got emotional. I was no longer that person but I was grieving her. I felt loss for her, I did not want to be her anymore but I wanted to acknowledged her. I wanted to make sure that I remembered that part of me I was shedding for she had made me the person I am today and for her I am grateful. It was an intense few days of shedding those layers, practising release from the old energies and welcoming in the new more aligned energies. As I was peeling the layers I was loving and accepting the person I was becoming by the minute.
I was seeing me as I am intended to be, in my authentic frequency. I was finally seeing me and my value and my worth and watching those layers go with with wind. I still love and adore that person I was for she made me who I am today. I do not look back and regret anything in my life, I look back with gratitude for the lessons learned and know the ego loop that I will not replay again.
Does this mean I am healed?
I still go through life battling certain feelings. I still from time to time question my worth. When I question my own worth as a person I call it a dance. I choose to look at it as a temporary dance with my demon. The idea of struggling with self worth or fighting self worth seems harsh. I am not struggling with these emotions anymore I am merely dancing with old ideas of who I was, that is normal and a part of life. Dance with your demons, but don't let them in your house is a term I use fairly regularly and what it means is:
Shed light on what is showing up for you, but do not let it consume your thoughts
This delicate dance with your demons is something that we all as humans living the human experience do. Healed, healing or unhealed we all dance with our Shadows. Self reflection is how you excel your spiritual growth. By being able to look at yourself in the mirror and absolutely adore the person looking back at you, see yourself for all that you are and everything you have accomplished to be that person. Seeing our past as a part of how we became who we are today, finding our strength, worth, compassion and unconditional love in ourselves and reflecting that outward to others is the human experience.