This week has been chaos in the cosmos to say the least, I have been navigating my own heavy energies while dealing with things within my physical reality and creating a new way of offering my services moving forward. I am a written channel. Earlier this week I was struggling with the notion of who I am and what I am here to offer the world. I was deep in self reflection and I'd be lying if I said that feeling that it wasn't enough was not creeping into my reality.
I hate questioning myself, I lived may of my adult years doubting myself and what it was that I offered this world, surely I had moved passed that by now, I had thought. But as I sit in the throws of self reflection that feeling just kept coming back.
It isn't enough.
Self doubt became so much that I thought about giving up. I thought about packing in everything that I had created and all that I have been creating and just halt everything. Stop creating art, stop offering my services, stop writing, just stop absolutely everything that lights me up because I was experiencing doubt, because I was feeling like what I was providing was not enough.
I do this work, shadow work is my jam. I know that these feelings run deep, and they must be explored and examined to be able to choose differently next time, I have always know that deep in my heart of hearts, but in those moments when I wanted to give up I was only comforted by the notion that in the new, in the different there would be change and it turned out change was what I was seeking all along.
You see I wasn't doubting myself and my abilities I was doubting how others would feel about myself and my abilities. I was talking myself out of what it is that I love doing simply because I was worried how others would receive or perceive my energy. I was not allowing myself the chance to move or shift into alignment with this new direction that my life was taking me. I was in fear that I would be shamed for making the moves that I longed to make. I was afraid the more that I leaned into what is in my soul the less people would understand me. In this realisation I learned that I still had some of my own shadow work to do to move into the next level of my journey.
I had to shed the idea that validation comes from outside of me.
I had to allow myself to feel how I felt, to experience what I was experiencing which at the time was envy over the success of others. It was a funny energy for me to experience. I am successful, I feel abundant but in that moment I felt like I didn't have "as much" to offer the world as the object of my envy.
After chatting with a friend of mine she mentioned to me that it is okay to feel these feelings, its okay to not like something, its okay to allow yourself to experience these feeling but they do not have to be proceeded with judgement or shame. It is okay to allow yourself to be upset, angry, envious etc. Feel it, heal it (integrate it) and let it go.
That was powerful.
I was no longer judging myself for being upset, I was no longer shaming myself for feeling a way that others told me I should not feel, I was no longer feeling like I was not enough, instead I was liberated in my truth that I just did not like something, it upset me and that was okay.
I did not have to react.
I did not have to throw judgement.
I did not have to make a scene.
I simply had to allow myself to experience the feeling, I had to allow myself grace to move through this energy holding my frequency within the knowledge that my best is always enough. Even (especially) when I try to convince myself otherwise. I can still allow my feelings to flow through me (healthy), instead of consume me (unhealthy). I can allow myself to experience whatever emotion I am experiencing without self criticism, judgement and shame. I can move through the energies I am experiencing without being so darn hard on myself!
It's funny I often find myself saying the same thing to others I encounter, these words, allow yourself to feel, allow yourself to heal, allow yourself to be imperfectly perfectly you, but it hits different when you hear it from another who understands.
So I say to you.
Allow yourself to feel.
Allow yourself to heal.
Allow yourself to be imperfectly perfectly you.
Your best is always enough, all ways, always.