The idea that one must love themselves before they can love another was not a concept I could accept before I began my journey towards enlightenment. I was feeling like there was no way I would ever love myself the way that I was loving others because I was putting all the energy I had into being accepted by others. I so desperately wanted to make others happy I always neglected my needs or wants to get that approval and validation from others, this was my pattern.
I did not connect the dots to this behaviour until my spiritual awakening in the fall of 2020. I started to see everything much more clearly than I had ever seen them before. I was seeing my awakening as this beautiful gift from the universe in response to seeing my truth and walking in my power. The more I received from the universe the more I wanted to explore the depths of my abilities. I wanted to truly live this piece of my own puzzle I had rejected about myself for a very long time. I thought I was ready, but I quickly realised I had a lot more growing to do.
It was not until I started offering my services as an artist and reader that I started seeing missing pieces of my puzzle. I knew there was more to my gifting then meets the eye and I was desperately trying to find all the pieces I was missing to really come into everything I knew was meant for me, so I worked. I worked hard to put my pieces together but I knew as nothing more was showing up for me that there was more work to do. I was finding my worth, I was saying the affirmations, I was diving deep within ( or so I thought ) but there was still a piece of my puzzle missing.
I knew I was able to see manifested shadows in the energy of others and I could read peoples energy. I knew shadows was a large part of my readings and would be my focus with coaching moving forward. I knew that that was what I was meant to do. But how do I put it all together. I have restructured myself many times over the past few months and tried to find my thing. I have many hats and I keep adding to them regularly. It gets overwhelming doing this type of work. I am constantly creating and marketing and putting myself out there and I was receiving some feedback that it was too much. Insert shame for being me, insert shame for doing what lights me up. I ignored this and brushed it off as just another persons opinion and moved on ( or so I thought ).
All these pieces just kept adding up and I found that I was doing what I had done before my awakening and that is nothing. I was just holding these emotions in, I was not sitting with them or accepting this as a part of me, I was holding this energy in my body. The shame, guilt, frustration, rage, disappointment, disbelief and ego. I was hiding and storing this energy in my body and wondering why I was not fully sure of my path. I was not seeing me and my worth AGAIN, so why would I be rewarded further for my efforts by the universe.
As some of you know, when you are not learning the lessons the universe is sending you, you will keep repeating the same patterns over and over and over again. If you stop living the lesson another one will show up for you. Being an intuitive person does not shield you from these lessons, I know that now. My lesson showed up in a big way. I veered off track for a few months chasing this way of thinking that was not for me. I was engaging in behaviour and energy that is by all definition unsavoury. Looking back now it felt like an out of body experience, I was reliving the old me. I was falling back into toxic patterns, I was feeling worthless, depressed, angry, anxious and just not good. I was no longer walking in my power, I was no longer the energy in the room with the largest intention, I was succumbing to energy that did not serve me. I was not in a good space.
When I got out of that space, this was the true test. When I had left these types of situations in the past I would just give up and find something else, I would cease what gives me joy and release it and want to give up everything I loved. I knew this would take a lot of self love to get me through this lesson.
I was able to see my behaviour over that past little while for what it was, shameful, embarrassing, guilt, regret, disbelief, and ego. All of these emotions have showed up for me.
How do I move forward?
That is oftentimes the hardest question to answer when you ask yourself. This is when that stuck feeling starts to show up for us in this question. How?
Well, it takes a courageous, strength, empowerment, and forgiveness to really see the other side of a bad situation where you are guilty of not intended behaviour. If you did not like yourself for a time being and you wish to do better simply tell yourself:
I release myself from guilt and I welcome love, awareness and peace in its stead.
We as humans are not perfect, but it is through self love and awareness to our personal behaviours and releasing the attachments to negative thoughts we replay in our minds that makes the difference between remaining low vibe and following the flow of high vibe.
Plant the seed of good intention and watch it grow for you, allow yourself space when you start to drift to re-center and focus your energy towards productivity and healing. You are absolutely worthy of everything you desire in life without question, it starts with you.