What are these feeling creeping up below the surface?
As I move and shift into alignment with what it is that I desire it feeling like plates are shifting beneath me. In the physical world when pieces of the ground move, shift and expand, the things hidden or buried below the surface rise up to be explored, and it is not always pretty.
I am finding the more that I had previously suppressed in my life the more that rises up to be felt, experienced and integrated into the fabric of my being. That is hard. It is never pleasant to re-evaluate your behaviours of yesteryears but it is an important part of the process that I admittingly kept neglecting. I did not wish to examine those short comings and in the none examination they just kept bubbling to the surface.
It felt like an eternity had gone by in my awakening, I feel like I had never been that person that I used to be, I feel like I was always this person who was offering themselves and growing and spiritually developing with the wind. I was always this person, but those layers that I had build beneath the surface began to build in pressure, and the more I shoved down in this little box the more there was waiting to bubble up to the surface.
And when it did, when it finally bubbled over to the surface I was not prepared for what followed. I was not prepared to feel the hole in my heart I had created by suppressing my emotions and burying my truth so that others could thrive. All those years of living in survival mode and being of service to others caught up with me in one moment. This is what I call my awakening moment.
In this moment I realised that the majority of my life I had been stuffing myself in a box that did not serve me and the life that I was leading, it simply was not me, but I made myself be this person to survive the world around me. I allowed unsavoury connections in my life to steer the ship, I allowed myself to fall into emotionally abusive traps believing I was not worth more than the treatment I was receiving from others so I stayed in a lot of situations longer then I should have and I allowed myself to be treated as less than.
It was sad to come to the realisation that what I allowed continued, and I couldn't blame anyone else but myself for these things that happened to me, but then I started to blame myself in this energy. The feeling that if I would have just moved on none of this would have happened. I was blaming myself now, and that felt worse than before. I feel a lot of why I was neglecting shadow work in the beginning is because that is the hardest part. Seeing just how responsible we are for our own suffering. The trauma is never our fault, but the healing is, the moving on is, how we move forward from this energy is so important, and its also the hardest thing to come to terms with.
I have found that is is incredibly easy to blame others for things that they have done, said etc, but it is not quite as easy to look at ourselves and our own shortcomings and where we have done ourselves a disservice by giving into energies that we do not align with.
It takes a lot of strength and courage to look in the mirror and witness our own faults, where we have suppressed our emotions and why, and move forward in alignment with who we are now. It takes a lot of strength and courage, but here is the thing we all seem to miss along the way.
We are capable of doing hard things, in fact we more often than not have done these hard things before. Somewhere along the lines we start to tell ourselves that theses things we did are insignificant because we feel like we are insignificant. For as much shadow work is about dancing in the darkness it is also about shining your light through it all. We have all done that in our lives or you wouldn't be hear reading this blog and engaging with this content.
We are capable of doing hard things.
We are strong.
We are courageous.
We are worthy of all that we desire.
It is not always easy to take these long hard looks in the mirror, but I find it most rewarding to get a glance into the darkness that plagued me and rewrite the narrative for myself. Leaning into my desires every step of the way.
Shadow work is hard, you don't have to do it alone.