You know, I didn't even know how to title this post. I was sitting here wondering what I would write about and how I am feeling right now in this moment. Contemplating what I wanted to say, how I wanted to say it and examining my thoughts as they showed up for me.
I still do not know exactly what I desire to write about, but I will tell you how I feel.
As we enter this holiday season, as those busy family visits, gift giving, dinners and time spent with those we love comes creeping in, I am left feeling insanely overwhelmed. There is a lot that goes on behind the scenes in my life that I do not share, and I am now wondering why that is.
In my humanness, I may be a bit ashamed to be this "messy" person in all of her humanness, vulnerably stating that the overwhelm I am experiencing this holiday season is abundant.
I chose to express how I am feeling so I am going to let you in on my process in this post and I hope that it resonates with you, the reader, as you enter into a busy time.
I feel overwhelmed, as a mom of two I often struggle to access if I am making the right call for my children, I wonder if I will have enough for them, I wonder if they will accept or like the presents that I have put under the tree, I wonder if my spouse will like his gift, if he will accept what I have given him and the thought behind it, I wonder if what I created for my family this holiday season is going to be enough.
I have been struggling for some time with how to re-brand myself after my latest shift, dealing with the feelings of abandonment as some of my best friends I had before my last shift have exited my life abruptly and dealing with the feelings of abandonment beneath that.
I have been struggling to provide what it is I wish to for myself and my children, it has been quite the year of ups and downs, ebbs and flows and most of that occurred when I was nowhere near as grounded as I am right this very minute.
Being here, this very minute is a reminder that I get to choose what it is that I create, I get to choose what it is that I desire and take the action steps needed to launch me head first into my desires. I desire to write, I desire to share, I desire to be human in all of the muck that I experience / hold onto, and know that my consciousness in the moment, my feelings in the moment, will guide me towards what it is that I desire.
My husband has referred to manifestation as "imagining" in an almost negative context of that is all I am doing, and this made me sort of think about the idea of thinking something into existence, and I realized that It was not only the thinking about it, it was the actions taken after the fact that truly manifested what I desired in those moments, so although the context he implied it had a feeling of shame behind it, it also had a glisten of truth.
We simply, in my experience, cannot achieve what it is we desire if we only think it is going to happen, the second part of that is taking the steps needed to achieve that desire.
So, here I was not writing much more than content on facebook thinking that that would be enough to be a writer, and while this type of writing is writing, it is also more to sell. To sell a product or service to others who will buy your story.
That never quite felt right.
It felt forced or like I was doing something for acceptance rather than, doing it because I truly wanted to, and alternatively when I would write to inform (like my manifestor self) it would be met with much more acceptance then the prior.
It is funny how I desire to navigate this new energy that feels raw, exciting, vulnerable, different and honest.
The reality is, I am only just beginning to step into who I am, I just met me as a 35 year old woman, and the next steps I take in my life will be much more aligned with what I want to do, instead of what I think I should do.
This type of acceptance is deep.
This knowing feels good.
As I finish up my thoughts, I want to leave you with this last tidbit of knowledge from my experience as you enter the holiday season.
You do not have to, you do not have to do anything that does not feel right for you to please anyone else. This revelation changed my life, when I was deep in the desire to please others and gain there acceptance I did all kinds of things that I did not wish to in hopes of gaining their approval, and I never got it.
When I recognized that the only approval that mattered was my own, my life changed and perhaps I have an idea for my next blog post <3
Stay safe, Happy Holidays,