Why is it so hard to be myself?

This is something I have been pondering over the past little while.


Why is it so hard to be myself?


As I putter along on my spiritual journey after becoming aware of and integrating many different shadow energies and raising my awareness to emotions that show up for me I am left wondering what else could be missing, what other pieces are there to this puzzle and how can I truly move in alignment with my whole self.





As I am trying to think of things to do to integrate and move through this energy and get into alignment with me and my offerings I am drawn to a much simpler thing than I was processing before and that is writing. Writing comes naturally to me and even though I am not a professional writer (yet) it is something I am most passionate about. Putting all my thoughts out there for others to read and take away their bits and pieces of every story so that they can find comfort in the notion that they are not alone is so rewarding for me as I share experiences and move forward with whatever journey the universe is seeking to take me on next.


As I write this I am pondering why I have held this part of myself back for so long on my journey. I love engaging with people and communication is something that I am very good at with all the airy goodness I possess in my birth chart, but I never included much writing in my awareness until much more recently.


I realised I was rejecting this part of myself that knew all along writing was my purpose, if you believe in such a thing. I knew that I needed to get this knowledge out of my head and onto something tangible, blog, books, content etc, and share my story of how I have grown through looking at myself and all the darker aspects and the juicy goodness array of traits that I possess. You can not have light without shadow. I knew as soon as I began my spiritual journey that I needed to do something with writing but I was so afraid to "go there". I was afraid to be me.





I am a writer.


I always have been a writer as far back as I can remember I had an "overactive imagination" and I would often get lost in stories created in my mind. When I was a child it was that typical whimsy of the fairy tale dream life that I would often create in my mind and every time my school had a day where we were to write a story I was thrilled! I was able to be myself and write what was in my heart to write, I was able to really dive deep into my imagination and create these stories that felt incredibly real to me. I saw them so clearly and vividly like I had lived these lives of wonder and whimsy before, but how could I have I was a human in this meat suit, not that beautiful princess in my story who did some pretty amazing things and gained everyone's hearts in the end. That wasn't me right?


I was never very confident in my ability to write, to write well was something I never thought achievable for me. I never felt like I was good enough to write, I was told at one point in my life I wasn't smart enough to be a writer so I stopped writing, and creating altogether for that matter. I believed based on another person's lack of belief in me that they were right, that I was not smart enough to write. I allowed that narrative to hold me back for a good chunk of my life and with that came so much resentment, depression and anxiety. I was constantly angry at the very system that told me I was not smart enough to write, I was constantly depressed because I was not writing and honouring my soul through the process, and I was constantly anxious wondering what I was going to be doing if it wasn't writing.





So much thought went into everything I did, to the point of overthought.


What was I meant to do?


I sat with this for a long time on my journey. Even when I began my spiritual journey I was neglecting writing. I was still holding myself back from expressing my whole truths through writing, out of fear of what others may think about my writing style, my punctuation, my thoughts, my sometimes crass expressions, my humour, and my overall authentic energy. I was afraid that I would be seen in a perceived negative way and that people wouldn't understand what I was trying to convey. Somewhere along the journey I realised that it was not up to me how other people received my energy, it was up to me to do what I felt right for me and honour my truth so I could witness the people who are in alignment with the message reading and engaging with my work, and the ones who who do not resonate with it realise that is okay too.


I am not for everyone.


Another lesson I have learned through this process but I will save that for another blog post.


This journey is full of ups and downs, twists and turns, moving and shaking to get us into alignment with our purpose. If I never moved, if I had of never started writing and committed to the notion that being myself was enough, that I am able to write as I feel called to do and allow myself to get into my authentic energy and produce some pretty amazing pieces of writings (which will only get better with time) then how would I be me?


I am a writer.


I am an artist.


I am a creator.


This is what I am, this is what I do.


I accept that it may not be for everyone, but it is for me and I love me enough to do it through the feelings of shame, rejection and fear because......


I am enough.


I am worthy.


And.....


So are you!





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